Okay, I've actually broken down and asked for help putting on my shoes lately, but I'd rather wear slip-ons than ask anyone but Drew to help me. I may also keep a long handled shoe horn hooked to a living room chair. I may have also worn nothing but flip-flops for the past five months, except for two occasions. I may have also sat cross legged on the floor in prenatal yoga poses to get socks and sneakers on when I was home alone... then breathlessly shaken my oversize belly in a victory dance after the shoes were on. And then refused to take those darned laced shoes off until bedtime just in case I wanted them back on at any point.
Do you do that, too? When someone asks if they can help you with something, do you automatically say, "Nope, I'm good" without thinking about it? I've been mulling over why I do this, and I've come up with several reasons that I make life harder on myself.
1. It's easier to do it myself. I'm a perfectionist. No one is going to do it the way I want it done, so why let someone waste their time and effort if I'm just going to have to redo it anyway? (Imagine me refolding clothes or rearranging the cans and boxes on the pantry shelves.) I've actually gone through the kitchen and labeled everything so my mom can put it back when she comes to visit. I may have an organization problem.
2. I don't want to appear needy. I'm the kind of person that offers the help, not asks for it. I don't think anything of sitting down with a friend and cutting out ten thousand bits of lamination for her classroom while we catch up on the summer. It's what I do. However, when the tables are turned, I feel so selfish accepting help, like it instantly turns me into a merciless mooch. Last year, when a derecho knocked out both our power and water for over five days, I felt like a leech when a friend of Drew's offered to let us stay a night at his townhouse so we could shower, pee, and get some air conditioning during the heat wave. He even let us use his freezer for all the deer meat that Drew had stored up from his first successful hunting trip, which we were going to lose otherwise. That friend didn't think much of it, because he's a nice and generous guy, but I was mortified and refused to stay longer than absolutely necessary to survive (in first world terms, at least). I've felt the need to "pay him back" for his kindness ever since.
And asking for help? Heck, no! What an imposition on another person! If my car were to break down, I'd probably sit in it, waiting an hour in 100 degree heat for a tow truck (or "wrecker," as we say down here) rather than call my best girlfriend for a lift. It sounds silly, really, but that's what is going on in my brain. That's why I only ask my husband for help. He knows I'm needy already.
3. I hate feeling rejected. Everyone has issues with rejection, right? But maybe I feel it a little more than others. I'm super sensitive to social nuances, so being told no is a major hit to my ego. I spend a lot of time analyzing social situations to make sure I have nearly guaranteed chance at a successful outcome before I come out and ask. Example: I will offer payment for help in advance to prime my audience, often with humor. That way, I'm not asking yet, just putting the need "out there" with enough light-heartedness that people aren't quite sure if I'm serious or not. You know, something like, "A dozen cupcakes to the first person who volunteers to chaperone this field trip with me!" That way, if no one offers, I don't feel outright rejected. Recently, I tried this tactic a little more directly (exchanging goods for suggested ways to help me out), but I was crushed when the other party didn't think I was serious. Of course, I was too embarrassed to let them know I really did want them to get some tasks done for me. I'm sure they would have done the whole list if I had just asked, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. What a weenie.
None of these reasons really make a good excuse for suffering needlessly through things when I have plenty of friends and family willing to lend a hand. Someone once told me, "You need to let others bless you sometimes." Now that this baby could come any day, I've been preparing for the question, "How can I help?" I've come up with a list of things that I would love to have other people do for our little family, but don't have the courage to ask. And I've posted it on the pantry door so I don't chicken out when people ask. Here it is, all prettified for your viewing pleasure:
If you want to view it as a PDF, click here.
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